Paris Hilton naked

Day four of my cold. Paracetamol wasn't doing the trick any more and I've moved on to Sudafed Non-drowsy. I'm on a downward spiral of cold-remedy narcotics and fairly soon I'll be mainlining Night Nurse.
We have a belter of a splash tomorrow when we will reveal a crime taking place before your very eyes. And if some copper is reading this - no it's not real-time, the crime has already happened. Anyway, check the front page in the morning - and our website.
Page three is very strong also and features the daftest reason I have ever heard for a young chap being turned down by the army since Quentin Crisp was asked to show his rear-end for evidence of untoward behaviour that might aid the enemy.
With it all going pear-shaped in Afghanistan and Iraq you'd think they'd sign you up with flat feet and pebble glasses but apparently Her Majesty's armed forces are still bizarrely fussy over who gets to carry a gun and risk life and limb for their country.
The big sporting story is Rhyl FC with the Lilywhites chasing European glory in Finland. We'll upload the result of their match with FC Haka onto our breaking news ticker tape this evening and bring you a full report and pictures in the paper and online tomorrow.
And we have a interview with Ken Dodd coming to Venue Cymru for one of his marathon gigs - we've even got a sample of some of his best gags.
That's 56 pages packed with entertainment for about the quarter of a price of a cappuccino. Marvellous value!
(There's actually nothing about Paris Hilton naked in tomorrow's paper. It's just that there are millions of people out there who like to read about drink-driving socialites who fanny about in nightclubs spending daddy's dough. And putting the name of this appalling woman in the headline of my blog entry means the sorry losers searching for images of Ms Hilton in the buff will be directed to my blog so I can tell them HOW VERY SAD THEY ARE. This is the kind of thing you do when you are on drugs.I'm off now for a hit of Lemsip)